d!rtY liTTle SecRetS

Thursday, April 20, 2006

tat was wat i tot.... maybe i was a lil too sensitive.... but.... whenever i study... their not even at hme... wat rite haf they got to say ath when they arent even there to witness ath one day if i were to die they'd prob just notice it a day after or sth.... studies studies studies..... how much crap tis simple thing can put me thru..... how much misery can it cause me.... do they even understand tat im so pressured now tat i wanna cry so much... but i just cant becuz in the end... i'll just be welcomed with another cold lecture... tat there is no excuse becuz my results show tat i haven been studyin.... tis is crap.... cant they see tat i m so pressurised by their attitudes... they're just so puttin me down further by not supportin me n reprimandin me.. its like wateva i do is neva rite... like i suck at everything......

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 10:33 PM

2 nites ago i was on the way to a musical

2 nites ago i was in the car on the way to the musical

2 nites ago in the car on the way to the musical, i cried.

2 nites ago i was in the car studyin bio on the way to the musical.

2 nites ago in the car a day before bio test.

2 nites ago in the car while studyin fr the test. i told them i was better off studyin at hme then goin to the musical

2 nites ago in the car on the way to the musical. we quarrelled.

2 nites ago in the car they reprimanded me fr doin last min work n for not studyin

2 nites ago i shouted back sayin tat they were neva there when i was studyin..

they were neva there.

2 nites ago in the car they followed up by tellin me to show them i was studyin

and 2 nites ago i crumbled down.... was all they care about onli my studies?

2 nites ago in the very car... i countered.. qnin them if all i cud do or haf in my life was studies

and 2 nites ago.. they said yes... tat i'd be usin all the time i haf now to study...

tat was when 2 nites ago... i decided tat i shudnt be on earth....

2 nites ago in the car on the way to the musical. i also tot of them bein worried fr my furture tats y they wanted me to study

but 2 nites ago... my heart qned me... wat m i doin in life... how cud i possibly study all day...

and 2 nites ago... i realised... how pathetic my life cud be....

and 2 nites ago... i came crashin down... becuz tat's the onli thing i could do... study... but stil not get results....

such a loser i can be.....

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 10:11 PM

Thursday, April 13, 2006

I gave her a letter.... I told her everything... y I was so pissed and upset..... I didn’t receive a reply... but all’s good now.... we’re back.... I wish sometimes.. tat tis kinda happiness n sweetness juz stays there..... so at least i wudnt be so tired.... So at least I wudnt hafta chase n havin my efforts end in the drain…. To demolish sth onli takes a few secs.... But to rebuild a broken heart…. Takes almost foreva…. Ok tats a lil to expressive.... Nvm... im sensitive n emotional...

Anyway..... ytd... on my way hme in the bus frm tuition.... Tis ac I got no idea which... came sittin beside me.... N I was tokin to can.... He sorta dozed off so I put my fone down... n he ended up movin in closer... n closer… n closer... n he leaned onto me..... slpin on me...... gosh..... Anyway..... Today I was watchin harry potter in the aft… n I cried badly.... I didn’t cry for the first few times when cedric died but I cried badly for tis I got no idea y... n I didn’t stop cryin til the end of the movie..... n I cried even more when victor’s clan n flour’s clan hadta leave....... Weird........ I was pissed today too... I wanted to watch take the lead or ice age either one with hui yu n weishan or sarah n monisha.... But I ended up cmin hme... y? BECUZ EMPRESS DOWAGER WAS THROWIN HER FIREBALLS AGAIN! Bein me not wantin to play with fire, I obliged..... I mean she permitted me to go but NOT AFTER A LONG LECTURE n in the end all my mood was gone... thanks a lot... but anyway... I ended up at tiong eatin long john’s n takin neos lolx......

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 11:28 PM

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

im tired..... emotionally. mentally. physically.....

is there eva a day where i can not feel all these n not worry fr ath..? someone save me....

with the amount of sadness n depression im carryin on me.. im surprised sanity is stil with me..... not onli m i carryin my own but my frens' too... people say tat people who try so hard to protect people are the ones hu actualli need protection themselves.... how true issit.... i dunno... does it apply to me..? i dunno either..... all i noe is i wan everyone arnd me, those whom i care for dearly, to be happy n carefree... tats all i wan fr them.... do people always trust their eyes? tat their eyes see onli wat is superficial.... or do they eva trust their heart n their soul.... to see if they haf a fren hu is in so much need of them n tat their hearts are open up wide.... with wounds n needles tat r yet to be taken out......

y do people always go fr wats outside n not inside? why do we haf to haf those stupid wars n arguements when we cud just sit n solve it while with a cup of drink....? y....... y can people be so insensitive.......

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 10:10 PM

Monday, April 10, 2006

mouse told me to update so here i m.......

sometimes..... i just wonder.... seriously how insensitive can she get? i mean i noe i started the whole crap but i dun start shit fr no reason...... n everytime... somehow she just manages to turn the whole thing rnd and make it my fault..... was it my fault when i was treated as if i dun even exist.... was it my fault tat i feel sad fr it? i feel so pathetic.... y do i always gif in? people cnnt gain ath without sacrificin sth... u mus present sth in order to gain sth....ha..... i'd be a fool to believe tat any longer... my life is in total confusion now.... shud i juz leave it lyin or just apologise... but wat was there fr me to apologise fr? she caused me misery.... y shud i apologise to one hu is the source of my misery? n if so.... i haf my pride ok.... y do i owe u an apology when u hurt me so freakin badly?.... u didnt even call to find out... just a msg n u didnt even bother bout it..... wat u think it'd just disappear?? i've been tryin to tok to u.... haf u? i've been the one always takin the initiative.... haf u been in tat position at all? u head out fr all ur activities with or without me.... i think u cant be bothered less whether im dead or not.... thank u.... thank u fr makin me feel like i dun even exist like im so insignificant as a fren to u.... thank u fr pullin me out n plungin me back in again.... sometimes i even wonder if u eva needed me.......

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 10:52 PM

Saturday, April 08, 2006

tis is just a random blog. so guys.. n gals... pls do not be offended

isnt it so weird tat guys wans gals but they get depressed when they cant get them not becuz they got rejected but becuz they dun even try? i mean if u got rejected then u like got every rite to feel real devastated n all... but u feel depressed when u haven even tried?? tat. is.... weird.... n for god's sake if u eva love someone so much put tat freakin pride of urs aside for awhile. n chase her.... rejection's just a part of life.... n in the future there are more opportunities to cme... n if u dun try... cud u bear see her drift further n further away frm u when someone comes along n charms her?? becuz she's tired of waitin? n pls.... dun expect gals to do the chasin i mean ya la its the 21st cen but i stil think its more proper for guys to do it cuz i think gals chasin guys are a lil weird not tat there's any wrong in it... but if gals does the chasin.... then y dun we just call ourselves man since we r oso takin over the guys' job..... if u get wat i mean.... its like tis is romance we're tokin abt... look at remeo n juliet.... ok... abit soapy... but ya!! lolx wats gotten into me?? i dunno.. prob just cant stand seein guys lettin their gals slip away so easily without even tryin n bein so afraid of rejection..... gals r more emotional... if they can get over it n move on... y cant guys? if gals these days haf the courage to chase, y dun guys? i mean after males are the most dominant among the two sexes..... m i rite? or m i stil livin in the stone age? anyway.... why let the fear of strikin out keep u frm playin the gamey m i blabberin n blabberin on considerin the fact tat i haf no suitors n admirers??? lolx tats prob the reason lolx im so cranky.... prob cuz i had too much sugar rush since ytd... lolx

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 10:43 PM

Thursday, April 06, 2006

i.m.emotionally.unsound.

pls stop sendin me those sick mails.... a cute kitten gettin stomped on the head til its eyes popped out n got squashed n its brains oozin outta its head? n... tat one? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IF U PPL WANNA BE SICK DUN PULL ME IN IT. AND U..... wat the hell is in ur mind goin to those kinda sites? its even worse then seein kittens gettin abused like tat ok! wat were u thinkin sendin me the link url?! do u noe it stil freakin traumatises me! it wun happen to U but it happens to ME! so for once use ur BRAINS! URE SO FREAKIN AFFECTIN MY LIFE SO BADLY U NOE TAT... u noe as i was playin ball in the rain just now..... these thots just came back like tat.... i got so freakin traumatised.... i got so paranoid tat i even screamed at frog face unintentionally when he used his wet feet to step on my socks... i turned off my fone cuz it was vibratin when niisan called.... i came hme and scrubbed myself big time when i bathed..... all becuz of stupid sadists like u .... for xian sendin me tat i can understand tat its cuz she wans me to spread it to frens tellin them to prevent animal abuse or sth but the other one bout gifin me the link...... shit JUST WAT R U THINKIN GODAMMIT U NOE IM ALREADY EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE ENUFF N U ACTUALLI SEND ME TAT KINDA LINK.... ure horrible..... it haunts me.... it haunts me bad........

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 8:39 PM

ytd was a STUPID day.... i went for tuition then when we were goin home n jocelyn was followin me to the bus stop. at the traffic lite junction there was tis 2 guys in front then i told her one of them wearin the black shirt wasnt bad lookin then she was like both of them i are handsome... ok..... then my bus came... i boarded... then before tat i told her bout my fren hu asked fr tis bunch of ri guys no. n chased them arnd the whole of town and all.... then the other guy wearin blue boarded too! n sat on the sit on my left.... so i msged her tellin her tat so she asked me to ask fr his no so i was like crazy u go ask the guy in black la! then she replied i did. i told him my fren wan ur no so can u gimme ur no??..... n her fren... is .... me..... I SO DIDNT WANT THE NO!!!!!! IT AINT ME MAN! omg.....then the guy was like ok then he was like ok can u gimme ur fren's no??? so now she has his no... he has my no... n she was like sayin tat he wud msg me.... LIKE real...... pls la... cute guys dun go arnd msgin some ugly gals on the streets hu ask fr no... anyway hu cares... BUT SHE!!!!!!omg.......

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 6:54 AM

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

i changed my skin again... but anyway.... i've been in a cold war with her.... but i think its so one sided cuz it seems like she doesnt even bother... but tis is it..... i feel tired... real tired.... its like im invisible or sth? like i aint even there... everytime the both or them r together with me.. it feels like im the odd one out.... like i aint even supposed to be there..... she just goes arnd tokin to her like she forgot i was there.... n everytime.... i try to catch up with her... it just seems impossible.... when i manage to... its like she just slows down....n im left alone to walk ahead.... or either tat is she just walks so fast.. too fast that i cant catch up........ m i bein sensitive? tis time.. i doubt... i've been feelin tis fr quite awhile already... everytime i seem to be able to overlook it.... but not tis time......sometimes it just feels so unbearable tat i feel like rippin my heart out.... i dunno how.....

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 10:40 PM

Sunday, April 02, 2006

OMG IM SO FREAKIN HAPPY!!!!!!!! ZHI YANG IS IN!!!!!!!!!! thank god it isnt RENFRED. gosh if he won its purely cuz of money..... i mean his parents are freakin rich la! n wats more he has a god mum n dad! i mean u neva noe his parents cud easily pay anyone to do the votin or do it themselves. no offence but he cant sing for nuts..... him singin fast tempo songs is just to cover up for his tone deaf pitchin prob..... n to electrify gals wif his dance floor moves la!! if i cud choose i wud actualli choose adriano but too but he isnt in anymore ALL THX TO RENFRED.... but stil... zhi yang is realli good... n now i dun wn teresa to win i mean althou she is good... but her voice is sth nt in tis century anymore.... but i think she's actualli improvin

ok anyway i went out to bowl tis aft i started out real awfully either hittin 1 pin or enterin the drain either on the lft or the rite... how's tat.... n today's melvin's birthday n dan is realli a nice person except i got k-ed by his bottle fr messin his hair and callin him chicken lil lolx.....OMG ZHI YANG WON!!!!!!! I SO LOVE HIM!!!!!! i mean he's seriously good no denial. n... i wanna thank es.... i was in a very very bad mood on fri so bad that i didnt even haf the energy to speak..... i mean i think he didnt notice it... but he just managed to cheer me up... it seriously mattered alot to me...... thx es.....

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 10:27 PM