here i m waitin and waitin fr u to reappear online.. i waited and waited.. 830 to 9. 930 to 10... and i start to wonder if u were ever comin back... is it just me or m i just too sensitive and paranoid.. but i feel us further away from each other... maybe it all just sums up to 1 thing.... i miss you... i miss u dearly.. call me crazy cuz its just 4 days and we stil keep in touch.. but.... and im sad.. cuz i feel cold... fr some reasons or another... these tears... they wanted to flow freely.. well they did...but only a few sec before they stop.. dunno y hahas... got much to say.. but i forgot or somehow it just doesnt wanna cme out... well... ure online now...1015.... now im sayin... i dunno.. im sorri.. i cant help it but feel unsafe.. r we alright? can u pls tel me wats goin on? i noe there are some things botherin u.. or maybe not.. but if ever there was.. pls tel me? i wanna be someone hu u can tel those things to.. or m i too immature or m i the one hus givin the problems..y wun u tel me..? i wanna be there.. for u... i dunno y but somehow... its just feels realli cold inside.. im realli sorri.. i cant help tat feelin... sometimes i just wish i cud cry in ur arms.. if not urs.. for some reasons.. just someone.. someone able to give me warmth.... i wish i wish... its all just a wish... wil they cme true...?

haiz... im realli sorri... pls dun gimme a cold shoulder... thats what i least desire for... pls i know its my fault... but i'll make it up to u ok? i realli want ur forgiveness but... i realli cant put that pic.. not when my cous and all can see... pls understand... pls...





y do i always screw things up in the end when at first it all went realli well.... i realli didnt mean for it to happen.. partly cuz i forgot... and i didnt know what to do and i didnt think u'd actualli wan me to do that.. and cuz of fee... i named her that.. even when i dunno if its a her or he... im realli sorri.. pls forgive me...







well.. i went to the lib today... there were LOTS of ppl... and well.. it went quite ok... until we wlked to my block and i was too caught up wif fee... and forgot.. but honestly... i was oso stil day dreamin.... and the fact that a neighbour was there.... im realli sorri... i noe sorri can do nth.. but i realli dunno hw else or what i can do to make u forgive me... pls.... dun leave me this way... im realli sorri....

today is a happy day... went to the lib fr project... and i finally gotta hug.. it felt good.... i just love hugs... nt onli tat cuddles too lolx... n well.. i got pinched on my face... better than bein slapped across the face.. and if it was realli hard i would definately cry.. but well.. despite all this.. im stil feelin a lil low... well i heard the news on radio while i was in the car just now.. all those news... so many disasters.. so many crisis.. the world is fallin apart..where is he when his children are in need? are these actualli an end to our sufferin? but if so why make us suffer before death? haiz... is tis the end of the world?... and omg my mum saw the pic and she was like hu is tat handsome boy?which means she is sayin who the hell is tat and hw u noe him?! then i was like hu?? and i changed topic and all but in the end it came back to tat topic... unavoidable.. so again i was like... hu??? then she was like its lesbian arh??!! hw cme u noe lesbians??!! then i was like.. my whole school filled with them.. then she was like y u hangin out witf these type of ppl?! then i was like..... haiz... if onli she cud be more open to these... and one of my change the sub topic was wat if one day i die???... i asked tis to both my parents... and well i didnt realli quite expect those ans cmin frm them.. my dad said... of cuz we will be sad.. he's not someone hu wud express his emotions tat easily and well my mum said.... if its a natural i'll just hafta accept it and if its suicide.. we will never forgive u... and so i wondered... diein without being forgiven... wow that's peaceful death....

thanks charles.. u managed to bring those memories back again... those memories where i've been tryin so hard to leave behind... those scars i've been tryin to erase... they seem more visible than ever... its tirin.. its tirin to act as if ure happy as if ure ok... and tat everything's goin fine.. when everything is not... its tirin to act strong... and it hurts even more when those ppl just come to u and just put salt onto ur wound... y r there these type of ppl on earth? its precisely y there's no peace... becuz of these type of trouble makers... u tel urself to be strong... to act as if ure alrite.. but hw long can u act.....

i will rmb this day fr the rest of my days...this is like the first time ive ever toked so much to him.... face to face.... and well... it wasnt tat bad after all...no... it was kinda.. nice.. i know im a little stupid makin a big fuss out of this small normal nth much conversation... but it actually means alot to me for a dunno what reason... n well... i gave him the bite we promised.. n i think its bleedin... im sooooo sorri.... i didnt mean to.... aaaa i didnt mean fr it to bleed... n now.. i owe him a slap and he owes me one too.. well wat was sad was tat i actualli went off at 8...45?? 50?? arnd there.. n i didnt get to see him break...cuz i went to hy's(my cous)fren's party.. omg mrs leong was there too... freaky i shudnt haf gone up to her n said hi.. lolx tommi was sunnin me all the while.. wen li too... their nice bunch... my couz has a nice bunch of frens(i envy her fr tat lolx)(nt meanin tat es and company isnt nice but ya... their good in their own special ways too)... and stupid ee/yi(hweva u spell it)min said i put on weight... arhh im goin to die i dun wanna go back to where i started.... im proud of where i m now but nt last time...ok well not exactly tat proud there's stil room fr improvement... haiz... onli if i cud say it out openly....

cant she just let me free? can she just stop askin so much of me? ok i mean its natural fr her to wan me to do well.... but has she ever thought abt me? abt hw tired i wud get? i haf trngs... 1 3 5.. tuitions... 2 4 and now u wan the sch to gimme remedials on sats?!! pls im not a robot! so wat if there's stil a sunday? i dun care sundays r useless! and sats are teh onli day where i practically get to relax and loosen myself... cant she just stop and think?! and if it wudnt haf been fr her i cud haf at least gone to the court fr at least a few mins before they went hme at least i get to touch the court for awhile... i told her to fetch me there first she said yea ok... but no she had to go drop the damn fcukin things off first...doesnt she understand?.. tat at the court i feel freedom... freedom tat i can never haf? not fr the next 3 or 5 yrs? hw m i supposed to tel u tat?? becuz tats the onli place where i dun feel u stranglin me? becuz there, i feel free frm u and ur bloody expectations? becuz i can let loose all tat im holdin back? all the fear the anger the frustration all the worries... hw m i goin to tel u tat?maybe in the end even if i do tel... all u wud say is.. wat do u noe abt frustration? wat worries haf u got? dun make it sound like im ill treatin u cuz i m not and if u call tis too much and tat u think u require more.. go find urself another family..... wow its amazin hw it can cme out tat easily frm ur mouth everytime we haf these type or related heated discussions... sometimes i realli wonder whether im at the right place... im no machine... do u expect me to stay in sch after sch frm 230 to 330 on tues to go fr extra maths lessons? then head fr tuition after tat? do u expect me to continue havin lessons after sch on 135 til 330 then i start my trng???? cud u stop? cud u just stop and see?? its like i've been already studyin for the whole half of the afternoon since mornin frm 7 25 and u wan me to continue studies til at least 330? or 6,7? DO U NOE TRNG AND TUITION LIKE TAT IS ENUFF TO KILL ME?? DO U NOE I SPEND PRACTICALLY HALF OR 3/4 OF MY TIME DOIN THESE STUFF WHICH IN A SENSE HAF TO DO WITH SCH?? DO U NOE IM PRACTICALLY LEFT WITH NO TIME N NOW URE TRYIN TO ROB MY SATS AWAY????? its unfair... i hate u...

ok sh!t i just deleted what i wanted to post... doesnt matter i'll write again..









i'm devastated.. i want so much to tell... all the fears living within me... and all that is making me sad... and the fear of what's about to happen and not to happen... haiz... i wish i could just tell it all... but im scared... i really really REALLY .... ... too open to say... haiz.. and what made me more depressed was that we didnt even communicate face to face even though we were just a few metres away.. n it made me feel like i was being avoided.. and it left me to ponder.. r even 2 in 1 in the first place...? or am i just being fooled.. i know its really distrustable and heart- breaking(maybe) to say these things but it actually goes to show how greatly affected i m by that act...