d!rtY liTTle SecRetS

Friday, April 03, 2009

just 4 more days and my boo's leavin
for 4 more days my boo's to stay
these 4 more days i dread the most
these 4 more days i wish would slow

my heart is wrenching because it knows
my boo is leavin n my tears will flow....
i love my boo i love him so...
i love you my boo... pls dun go....

this 1 whole month ain't easy to take
this 1 whole month my heart will ache
far and over several seas you go
far and over my heart will follow....

baby i love you so very much
i'll wait till again im in ur arms......

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 11:07 PM

Thursday, February 26, 2009

its these things in a relationship that got me outta it in the first place.... but yet its those other things that got me into it..... so someone enlighten me as to why i actually changed my mind about not staying single anymore?.... i swear to god its my mind thats screwing me but..... why and where on earth do i get these thoughts from....? sometimes.... i think and know its me thats driving me crazy and me hurting and giving my loved one a hard time as a result of this but i really just cant help but feel that way... its like i always have this kind of barrier be it in a relationship or just on a normal basis itself... its like im so messed up.... these self- esteem issues.... these insecurities..... its always been a part of me ever since that one time.... ever since i started growing up and realizing that the world aint just rainbows and butterflies no more.... all those happily ever afters, those sweet dreams with a cherry on top... they aint ever gonna happen.... at least not in my world..... who am i lying when i say im not the girl i used to be.... somewhere inside that ugly fat disgusting side of me will always exist.... it aint ever going away.... its been there ever since.... so who am i kidding when im trying to act all happy and strong... when deep down inside im just this useless pathetic weakling......

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 9:23 AM

Monday, February 23, 2009

i love my baby so
this i hope he knows
of him i think at night
of dreams he roams till light

in heart is where he always is
in thoughts are where he'll always be
through him i take my every breath,
my sun, my moon, my everything

this time, im really done for.... i hope its just a one time thing that he doesnt visit this place anymore.... because then i can write what i want and not have him know of it.... i love him... and its killing me..... this is really not working out very well for me..... i have never loved a guy this much other than....... but its really scaring me... and this time its scaring me even more... than ever..... god im so helpless..... i really dont know what to do i really dont wanna screw this up i cannot bear the thought of him loving me less or his love to stop growing.... its like.... it like.... hell whenever i just think of it..... i cant even bear to face the fact that one day he'll eventually get bored of me... everytime these thoughts just so surface... it hurts.... so bad.....my heart really clenches.... im dying inside.... god i feel so helpless... its like im so stupid to let myself fall for a guy like that.... havent i had enough of uncertainties already...? havent i known the consequences of these already....? i just never learn dont i... maybe thats why i cry...... maybe thats why these tears always flow..... i guess i just have myself to blame.... my falling for him..... makes me so so god damn vulnerable....

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 9:12 PM

Sunday, February 22, 2009

I'm not going no where,
lies these words shall never be.
but the only person to this promise made,
never seems to believe me...

i love u with all that i have
and your love is all i need
and baby please tell me you love me
cause only then could i be freed

never doubt my love for you
because i can love no other
those other boys never mattered
baby the one i love is you....

im helpless and desperate
im tearing up inside
with those words that you say
with those thoughts that you feel

not one day has this love stopped growing
nor has it ceased to grow
my love for you will never slow
nor will it start to pale

please baby help me out
please tell me what to do
to make u believe that i love you
and i love you and only you...

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 10:39 AM

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

you know what I really hate?? I really really hate it when people are disrespectful. To me or to my family or to my friends or to my BF. dont go talking behind my back and act all sweet and innocent in front of me... cause if i were to know of what you're saying... oh you're gonna wish you ate your words baby... I think im better than people? baby i dont think that way but apparently the results i've been producing makes you think so... so well... its you guys who think im better than you... we're just capable that's all... we dont need to prove anything to you but apparently you think our results and the way we work already actually is a proof. I pity you simple minded beings... you people are so...... so naive to the extent that you think we wont actually eventually get to hear whatever you're saying behind our backs? ever heard that the walls have ears? gosh you must be living deluded lives... sometimes i envy you for that... such child like thinking... and staring games? that is so centuries ago.... do you think that by doing such things you people are very matured and cool? come on get a live! is it because your lives are so drying and boring that you have to find some topic about other people to talk about? well then i thank you for thinking of us as such hot shots.

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 9:27 PM

Friday, November 21, 2008

trying hard to lose all that weight.... and i wonder why and what i actually do all these for... it really just goes to show that im so insecure with myself that i hafta try and look good on the outside just to hide all these insecurities... but who am i kidding... deep down, im still this stupid fat girl who doesnt feel at all fabulous... the cards didnt need to tell me what may predicted.... somewhere inside of me... its all been answered for... i've known it all but i just chose to cover it thinking i could be strong... but deep down... i aint that unwavered afterall....

who am i trying to impress....

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 10:12 PM

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

this is not good.... my mum thinks that the guy im dating is gay.... and totally objects my dating him.... worse still.. it might develop to something more than that of which the idea she is already not happy with what's more with a guy she doesnt approve... mum... HE'S NOT GAY!!!!!!! he's just jumpy and bouncy... he's more gentleman than can be ok.... OMG!!!! you are PUTTING ME IN A SPOT!!!!!!!!!!@.@ what am i to do...

o by the way... HE'S BACK!!!!!!!!@.@ hi i saw his "hi" message i totally flipped!!! my legs even went jelly when i was reading it and walking on the way back home.... I MISS HIM.... but i couldnt say it out.... because im still not sure where this is heading... for us.. and for him.... and me...... respectively.. but like after him.. im just not interested in any others anymore... at least not yet...

I dont know..... what's going on and what's going to happen.... but i sure hope things turns out nice and right.... i dont want any hurting involved in this be it for him or for mum... hurt me it's alright... just save the hurt from them....

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 9:38 PM

Monday, November 17, 2008

i have so much to say.... yet its so difficult for me to say... i guess its because there's so much that i dont know how to organize all these thoughts... he went away last monday... i thought i needed these 10 days for me to think it through... after these 8 days, i realised it was stupid that i even thought i needed to think.. he said he had lots to tell me.. but he couldnt put them to words... i very much want to hear them... to hear what he has to say...

i think god's making fun of me... when no one's interested in me, there's really no one. otherwise there'd be a bunch coming after me.... now these bunch can be separated into 2 dimensions... 1 is the bunch that are really total jerks or have horrible character. the second is the bunch of elites.. ok maybe not that wow, but hey, they are good..... usually the former one always applies to me and this might be the first time the latter is happening to me but its really not nice to be stuck in such a situation.... because i mean hey its really not nice to go around breaking people's hearts even if they are jerks but its even worse to have to break the hearts of gentlemen....so God, please, if next time you decide that i should be rewarded, reward me in an easier way... maybe just give me one good one? the others i wouldn't mind not having the rest already and you can make it up for my family's health and well- being or you can actually decide to reward me at a later time and just keep my family safe and sound and healthy and fine in every single sense of that word... =)

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 10:20 PM

i wish upon the stars above
to send my signals to my love
no matter how far, no matter how near,
i pray my messages he would hear

Please be safe and come back home
come back to me and make me whole
each night i go to bed and think
the number of days till you return
im sitting, standing, wishing and hoping
of all our thoughts and hopes and dreams
so until you come back to me
that's where my heart will be

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 10:08 PM

Thursday, November 13, 2008

i need you
i miss you
to hell with the 10 days
make them go away
i thought it'd do me good
but i barely made it through
the first day you took off
the very day i lost my cool
funny how i kept it while i was talking to you
funny how i lost it when i was spacing out in school

these 10 days i wanted to let me think it through
these 10 days so redundant now all i want is you
baby please come back to me
baby please keep what you meant
baby please remember what you said
and baby please say it again

counting down the days
awaiting your return
living without your frequent calls
baby my heart's starting to burn
all the things in everyday life
all the things i pass
all the things i see and do
baby they remind me of you
crazy how im missing you when i needed 10 days to think
crazy how i've to take this long to realise it's you i need

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 8:58 PM

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

But I was
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes a while
To regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you

But now I'm
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach,
So far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Out of reach,
So far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there
For me

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 5:06 PM

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Dear Valentine, come away with me. If I had a day with you and you only, I would enjoy the simple things. The things that, in the end, when time steals the rest away, are the only things we'll remember. I would paddle you across a still lake in a rowboat and read poetry to you until you fall asleep and I would never think about the hours. Dear Valentine, if I had one day with you and you only... I would admire every line of your face, every strand of your hair... Every graceful movement of your hands or your eyes or your body. If I had one perfect day... Don't you see? My heart beats only for you. Dear Valentine, these are the things I remember of my love. A warm hand, a warm breath. Your warm mouth. Your arms around mine... I remember feeling safe, cease-less. Like one person. The two of us still, at rest, entwined... I remember how I felt the first time I kissed you. It felt like the high dive. What do you remember? How will I ever know what was inside your heart? Where did they go? All the things we think and feel but don't say. Dear Valentine... These are the things I never told you. These are the things I need you to know. That I loved you always. And my love was so big, it lives still after you're gone. I'd like to tell you that I would do it differently. That if I had one more day I would do everything right. But I know that isn't true. I'd make all the same mistakes. That is except one. I wouldn't say goodbye.

If anyone wrote things like that to me, i'd marry him... just joking.. but i know i'll definitely fall head over heels for him... i've been experiencing some emotional turmoil lately... dont know why its just there. since last night after watching ok while watching, rather, i soiled my shirt in my tears then this morn when i woke up i started crying at the simplest thing people say or so... i just kept going on and on and on and on.... and on... weird... maybe im really starting this 7 days and nights of moping thing.... gosh... 7 days... its gonna be taxing on me... do i even have enough tears to last for 7 days? the last thing i ever want is to cry dry tears... thats worse than crying cause you'll feel so constipated... o and i just realised that the reason i can cry so much... is that i have really big tear ducts... hey... maybe they dont play a part in how much i cry at all... i dont know but whatever... crying is a way of letting it out!!!!!! ok now this is my psycho-ing myself telling me that its' ok and healthy for me to cry......

o and omg.... did i mention that eve makes me wanna squish her???!!! she's the sweetest thing on earth man... the day before our paper, she actually went to do something really sweet for lays and i like she went to print photos, our photos for us!!!!! and like i think she didnt have much of a time to study??!!! gosh loves you to bits!!!!

and lays.... hur hur... she's always there with me when we decide to do crazy stuffs!! lolx thanks for sticking by me lays!!!!! loves ya'll to bits!!!!!!

linda too!!! but that stupid woman.... man she's really gotta start moving her butt!!! i've been trying to pull her to the gym but she's been too lazy?? .... what happen to our pussycat aspiration yo?! lolx

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 3:51 PM

Sunday, August 03, 2008

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Meet me by the entrance of the tube
We can talk things over a little time
Promise me you wont step out of line

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Please drop the past and be true
Don't think we're okay
Just because I'm here
You hurt me bad but I won't shed a tear

I'm leaving you for the last time baby
You think you're loving
But you don't love me
I've been confused
Outta my mind lately
You think you're loving
But I want to be free
Baby you’ve hurt me

When I get to Warwick Avenue
We'll spend an hour but no more than two
Our only chance to speak once more
I showed you the answers, now here's the door

When I get to Warwick Avenue
I'll tell you baby that we're through

'Cause I'm leaving you for the last time baby
You think you're loving
But you don't love me
I've been confused
And outta my mind lately
You think you're loving
But you don't love me
I want to be free
Baby you've hurt me

All the days spent together
I wish for better
But I didn't want the train to come
Now it's departed, I'm broken hearted
Seems like we never started
All those days spent together
When I wished for better
And I didn't want the train to come
No, no

You think you're loving
But you don't love me
I want to be free
Baby you've hurt me
You don't love me
I want to be free
Baby you've hurt me

this song makes me cry... it really touches my heart.... its just... i can so relate to it...

ok to the less serious stuffs.... the whole world knows me... and the thong incident... gawd... lays and i were at starbucks@ centrepoint yesterday and we went off but went back again cause she left her clip behind... and someone behind the counter shuted asking if i was from talentime... go figure out the rest....

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 8:43 PM

Thursday, July 31, 2008

o wait.... lets add on a little.... lets see.... i fell off the stairs, glided across the floor and landed sitting down.... and somewhere in the midst, my shirt uplifted and reveal my bright red American flag thongs that apparently caught everyone's attention.... wow... how nice.... NOW THE WHOLE WORLD'S GONNA KNOW ABOUT IT..... i feel like just digging me a big hole and burying me six feet under.... tuck me far away from those who's seen it all.... omg just kill me.... just let me die... i'd rather fall and faint and not know what happen than to have someone facebook message me about it!!!! omg i so didnt know till he told me about it!!!!! like WHAT???!!!! how is it even possible for it to be exposed??!!!!!!!! so embarrassing.... gosh...

and guess what.... my hives are coming back........

now lets touch another topic.... guys and gals.... never got to figure that out... ok basically... a human is a complex organism... being the male counterpart, now thats easier to decipher.... being the female counterpart... now that's one helluva nut to crack.... at least you sorta know what goes on in guys minds when they think it... they are simple to read... but gals gals gals.... i mean being one myself.... gosh what ever that goes in our minds... gosh its tough being a gal... talk about looks for starters... guys just bother about what they wear... correction.... they just grab anything that comes... i mean now's a little different but all they have to do is to wear a pair of bottoms and a top either jeans or berms or cargoes.... collared round neck or formal.... but for gals.... gals.... they gotta add on the make up... the skirts... the dresses..... the shoes.... the matching accessories... its like a gal's matter is blown outta proportion.... like they have so much more to think about than a guy... guys if u dont know why gals get so temperamental... maybe try thinking about the many decisions gals hafta make MORE than any of you because matters always seem to blow outta their proportions when it happens to us and you'll know why we feel so frustrated.

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 10:25 PM

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

courage is walking up to onto the stage and sing in front of everyone you dont really know but get to see everyday knowing you tried your best.

stupidity is walking up onto the stage and sing in front of everyone when you are down with a viral flu, a bad sore throat and HIVES and going so outta pitch... and going off the stage with a BIG exit by falling off the stairs.in case you guys dont know what hives are... its a form of rash that in my case covered my whole body and they sorta bloom like flowers.... like literally.... you can actually see the rash blooming... 10% of it is usually is usually food allergy and 90% of the cause is actually unknown... and for mine... its 90% of the time...

the few good things i got outta it though... is a really clear view from the stage... omg... the sense of nostalgia mixed altogether... gosh... but i still dont think its worth the embarrassment.

J. Goh was in the audience today... the crowd was so warm today... even though i went really off keyed, they all started singin the OOHHHHH with me.... and he was there singing and cheering too... touching... even more touching darren nathaniel constantine aladdin chapati yan cheong, Waya, AND KAINE!!!! were there to support me!!! Lays and Eve too!!! i mean they stood there for me lolx then... Punk star was there.... 0.0 but his presence... was.... minor then... because of the many other overwhelming presence... then when i went up for the duet... there was J.Goh again but this time to my left... he was just standing there... but when i glanced to him and made eye contact... he started swaying... omg... and then redroundwind was there too then... when we ended and i went down, there he was sitting at the bench... when our eyes met... this time he acknowledged me... and smiled... gosh what an exhilarating day... too much for a sick girl to take... >.<>

I'vE wRittEn tHe PasT To OnlY hoPe f0r the FutuRe 9:43 PM